Thursday, December 29, 2011

weigh in and where I am now

Well writing out my feelings on here DID help, but I still went crazy this past week. I had 4 Christmas parties in the same week, and I pretty much stopped caring and ate what I wanted. I was sure I had gained at least 5 lbs. Today I weighed in and I DID gain, but only .8. Im not making an excuse, a gain is a gain, but its so much better than I thought and today starts a new week.

My mother in law has her treadmill down now too, so hopefully that'll be a help/reminder. Also my sister in law and mother in law have golds gym passes now, so hopefully with extra help/motivation and a work out partner I will go more often. That's my main focus for the new year is to incorporate exercise more.

Now the other thing is that I am not hitting my 35 lbs by the end of the year. In the past I would have freaked out and quit. But this time I am realizing where I AM AT. I have lost almost 33 lbs since September. I weigh less than I have in years (and less than when I even got married) And I am making life changes, not temporary to meet goals changes. I will hit the 35, probably at next weigh in..and you know what? I AM OK WITH THAT!

I have a long way to go, but I am getting there. One choice at a time, so here's to new choices this week

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Well I made it through yesterday back on track, under my points for the day. But it felt numb. It was very odd. Partly I am sure because I am sick. I have never gotten this sick this fast before. Saturday night my throat "tickled" and at about 3 am sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog. I am taking medicine, but breathing is painful and hard, I cough a lot and today I have almost no voice. My daughter keeps looking at me like "mom is that really you?"

Today I am going to lunch with a friend to do Christmas gifts, but I already have planned out what I am eating, so hopefully I stay on point there. Also, tonight I already know what i am making for dinner (lasagna) and then we are exchanging gifts with our dear friend, Dan and hanging out. So it should be a good day and everything is planned out, so I hope that keeps things in check.

Have a lovely day all!

Monday, December 19, 2011

emotional eating

This past week (ok, so this past 4-5 days) I have realized just how much of an emotional eater I really am. It never clicked for me before that I do this...

I started gaining weight as a child young. But it didn't start REALLY until my life changed in ways I can't even explain. My grandma (who was like a mom to me and one of the most important people in my life) died. Then my dad left my mom. and then I was sexually abused. I realized how much all that hurt and I ate. My mom took me to therapy too to work through things, but they kept leaving adding to my abandonment issues and so I ate. It started slow...I didn't really become overweight until I was 12-13 I'd say. But then people would add to my pain, so i would eat. They'd say "you have a pretty face, but you're fat." or "you could be great at basketball if you weren't so fat" or some bratty 6th grader would leave a Jenny Craig ad on my desk. Or kids would moo as I got on the bus. It was awful miserable and so I ate. My mom got more and more "crazy and out of control" after the above things happened...she completely stopped being a mom for a while (we lived in filth, we ate LOTS and LOTS of processed and frozen stuff, she'd hit us because she'd get so mad, she cried a lot and told us she was going to kill herself, we spent time in foster care) and through all that I ATE.

When I was 13 i developed an eating disorder. I would binge until I hurt, then puke until I hurt. It was a vicious cycle, but it kept my weight gain at bay. I never lost weight, I just got VERY sick. I moved in with my aunt and uncle in NJ and got help for the eating disorder. But I never got help for the emotional eating. I would gain roughly 50 lbs through the next 10 years, and go through relapse in the bulimia numerous times.

Why am I writing all this out? because this week I started to FEEL for the first time since I started dieting. And what did I do? I A LOT and A LOT. And then some more. I had McDonald's (yuck!) and sugar galore...and as soon as I had that it sent me into "i am starving and need crappy food, even if I was full to being sick". So I am sure I will gain this week. But today I am taking control back...I don't want to. I don't want to feel this pain again, but I am trying to.

It was 4 years ago today I talked to my baby sister, Robyn, for the last time. I wished her a happy 19th birthday and told her I loved her. 2 days later she was missing and 5 days later was found dead. My life has been altered in ways NO ONE can imagine since those days. And every year at this time I struggle. I miss her. I wish it were me instead of her. I feel lonely and alone and I miss her more than I can say. And usually today I would make a cake and sing happy birthday and celebrate her life with my husband, best friend and her hubby, but this year that's not an today, I feel the pain and I sing happy birthday to her in my head, and wish that I could sing to her in person...and wish, oh how I wish to be half the woman she was.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Yay! 10% and thoughts/feelings

This morning I weighed in, another 1.8 lbs gone, for a total of 32.8, which is more than my 10% goal (barely) but i made it to 10%. This is also the lightest I have been in probably 10 years.

I feel a little scared that I am going to mess this up...especially with Christmas and all the parties, because I will enjoy them. December is hard enough (with my sister having died in December 4 years ago) so I will enjoy the small things. But i slowly learning how people and places and activities can be the "small things" i enjoy instead of food...I wish I could say I will do this and I have and am great at it, but Im not. But its a realization.

My clothes fit so different now. Its so odd. I don't SEE a change in my body yet, but I know there has to be at least a small one because I am down almost 2 full sizes. The jeans I bought not that long ago (like 2 months) are almost too big. Granted, every brand is different, but in these I am almost a 22. I have a LONG way to go. And maybe when you have over 150 lbs to lose having lost 32 doesn't feel like a lot, BUT it will. and slowly, just slowly I am shifting how I see me.

more on that later...have a good day my 2-3 readers!

Friday, December 9, 2011

getting closer

Weigh in was thursday...down another 3 lbs, for a total of 31 lbs. My goal was 35 by the end of the year, and it feels good to know I CAN get there (i mean 4 more lbs this month even with the holiday is doable) So that feels good. I am also 1 lb away from having lost 10% of my body weight. That feels like a good number and a good goal to reach.

Im hoping that over the next month (yes, I am giving myself until Jan.) I will start having even more energy and can add in the gym, as I think it'd help with a lot of things. SO that's my next project.

Merry Christmas all!

Friday, December 2, 2011

I survived

I survived Thanksgiving and didn't gain, so I count that a success. In fact yesterday at weigh in I lost 1.6 lbs, 28 total gone. Hopefully with all these holiday parties that continues.

Not a lot to say today...I have gotten a little slack on tracking, I need to get back on that. Otherwise I am making it. :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

anohter weigh in

The 17th I skipped my weigh in. my hubby and I got a free hotel room and went out to dinner, and then went to an all you can eat brazillian grill with our friends to celebrate our friend's birthday. I knew it would stress me out, and I knew it wouldn't be accurate. So on Thanksgiving morning I weighed in, down another 3.4 lbs, for a total of 26.4 since September 5th. So not too shabby. I think I have a decent shot of losing 35 by the end of the year. Not sure with all the celebrating holidays, but Im right on track.

This is the first time losing weight that I actually feel like I can do this. That for once I may be able to get the weight off for good. and that my friends is very motivating. Its slow, but it feels good. And I honestly don't think I have ever felt "good" losing weight. Nice change.

So here's to another week of doing good. :)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

23 lbs gone

My weigh in on Thursday put me down another 1.2 lbs. For a total of 23 lbs. I feel like things are working, but I seriously can't stop eating sugar. So, I maybe under my calories/pts, but I am sure not eating the right things. I know why I am craving/wanting/eating sugar, but I have NO willpower. Where do you buy willpower by the way?

Like tonight, dinner was good...lean pork loin, baked potato and fruit cup. But after everyone was eating ice cream and magic shell (I MEAN MAGIC SHELL>>>YUMMMM) So, of course i had to have some. Granted I only had about 1/2 a cup instead of half a gallon. But that magic shell...its 6 pts for 2 tbs. BUT, after that I told my hubby "Hey, I want to go for a walk" so he QUICKLY jumped up and got everything ready for us to go. So as a family we went for a walk, only 15 minutes, but 15 minutes more than normal.

So, in general I am making improvements, but I am having a hard time on other things and I am having a hard time appreciating my improvements. I need to focus on inches too, cause I have lost TONS of those. But I will gladly take tips and tricks from my 2 or 3 readers.

Til next weigh in.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Weigh in

Well the good news is I lost the 2 lbs I gained, and an additional 1.8. So I am down 21.8 since starting. HOWEVER< my big excitement today is that I am finally back under 300, BARELY, but it still logged in at 299.8. SO, Im counting it. Now to just get far enough from the 3's that its hard to go back there.

Im still craving sugar, especially the INSANE amounts of halloween candy around our house (from my daughter and our 6 year old nephew) plus I bought A TON of candy, because I got it for .50-1.00 a bag for the good stuff, then like no one came trick or treating. But I have learned to limit myself. So I guess if I still lost it wasn't "that bad" but I still need to cut sugar more. I want off this insulin.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Gain

Yep, today I had my first gain...which I was 99% sure was coming, but it still sucks and depresses me a little (Ok, A lot). i gained 2 lbs this week.

But I am trying this new thing is a new day. Don't give up or focus on the negative, focus on the positive and change what was bad/negative this past week. Don't repeat my mistakes. SO, that being said, onward and upward to a loss next week.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

No title

I am preparing myself for my first gain on Thursday. Now all I have to do is fix it. Meaning not freak out about gaining and start fresh. But first I need to figure out how to get out of the frame of mind "i hurt and I am stressed and overwhelmed so I should eat junk" I am a VERY emotional eater, so lately (this week) its been out of control.

When I was a teenager I was severely bulimic (so much so I spent 2 weeks in an eating disorder hospital and months and months doing outpatient treatment 3 times) So in my mind when I binge (eat all this half a pack of cookies or 5 mini candy bars....GAG!) all I want to do is go throw up. I haven't done that, don't worry. But having it sit in my stomach feels awful. But there's not too many other options. I need distractions. What do my 2 readers do to distract themselves from eating crap?

Although, on a plus (which i need to REALLY REALLY work on) I went to Lane bryant yesterday night with my hubby and I fit into jeans 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing...which is huge. Granted, in another pair I was only down 1 size, but it still felt nice. My mother-in-law even commented yesterday how huge my jeans are (I could fit a couple kids inside with me, I can take all my jeans off without unbuttoning them) so that was a nice compliment.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Help all I want is junk...

Lately all I have wanted to eat is junk...mainly sweets. I want to eat a WHOLE PACK of cookies. I know I am not "hungry" for this food, but I think emotionally my body thinks I am. Is that possible?

I have had a BAD BAD flareup of my fibromyalgia and I am not taking my medicine because we can't afford it with no job and no insurance so this flare up is about killing me in pain. So when I hurt I get grumpy and want to eat sugar. My darling hubby has put up with me SOOO well. But man I am a grump when I hurt. And eating a bunch of crap doesn't help me feel better.

To try to fix this tonight I bought some healthier snacks...almonds, apples, carrots, weight watchers ice cream bars. I hope I can kick this sugar fiend in the but. Any good tips?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

weigh in

I am down another 2.6 lbs, which officially puts me 20 lbs lost since Sept. 5th. When I did my weigh in the first time with myfitness pal I was about 3 lbs heavier than when I actually started. SO, today is when I count hitting the 20 lb mark.

I need to come up with good holiday strategies for not gaining. Any tips??

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Weigh in

Thursday was weigh in day...down 3.8 lbs. Its so hard to just be happy and not think "but I did this and this wrong. Or i didn't do this and this" Does that even make sense? I guess Im scared its going to stop. That suddenly Ill just stop losing. I think mostly I am just overwhelmed and stressed.

My hubby has been out of work since August. No luck finding another job yet still. Hes discouraged and frustrated and so am I. I can't go back to work til at least December, so we sit struggling. Living with his parents in 1 bedroom of their house. And honestly in the past I would have just ATE my way through the stress and pain and frustration. But I havent, well not as much. I have lately eaten WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR, but my blood sugars are still good. And I am still loosing weight. So, for right this second I am saying its ok. That attitude may bite me in the butt later, but right now that's how I feel.

Friday, October 7, 2011

another weigh in and checking in

Yesterday was weigh in day...I lost another 4.6 lbs, so Im down a total of 13.6 lbs since starting on September 5th. My jeans are a lot I know Ive lost. I just keep second guessing myself thinking one day it'll stop. I know that's super negative, but I can't seem to shake that thought. Suggestions?

The last couple days I have been craving salty AND sweet things. I have NOT eaten very well (ie: ice cream, chips, etc) however, I have stayed within my pts allowance we will see what the scale shows next week. I know I feel more blah when I eat I am trying to curb that.

Do any of you (my whole 2-3 readers) do anything to "celebrate" your small 5, 20, etc lbs? Its SO VERY hard for me to accept a compliment and to celebrate the victory...My darling husband has been so supportive and tells me daily I am beautiful, he loves me, he can tell Ive lost weight, he's proud of me, etc. But usually my response is "whatever" or "no Im not" and I am not sure how to switch that negative self talk...but I know if I don't the weight won't stay off.

I read on someone else's blog (tiffany, I think) that they thought their weight gain was their "blanket" and I am 110% sure I am the same way. I was abused in every way imaginable when I was I think I thought "if im bigger they won't want to hurt me, if I am bigger/stronger they can't hurt me" and therefore I put on over 150 lbs of "protection" so now its getting rid of that to have a healthy life. But how do you actually change the self talk? I doubt there is an easy answer, I just love advice and knowing what worked for others. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Moved and a weigh in

Today was weigh in day...down 2.4 lbs for a total of 9 so far. not too shabby if I do say so myself.

We are all moved in with my husbands parents. Not the ideal situation, but I can't work right now and he can't find a job, so we do what we must. My mother in law is doing weight watchers too, and has lost 35 lbs, so I am hoping her secret will wear off on me.

I know slow and steady is the way to I am happy. My jeans fit better and I have more energy. i wish there was a magic wand, especially when you have over 100 to lose, but overall I am pretty happy with my progress. I started Sept. 3rd...even my dr today said congrats. AND I had my A1C check (it measures the amount of sugar in my blood for the last 3 months) was the lowest its EVER been with a 6.4, so I know I am doing something right. Hopefully I can get off these diabetes drugs soon.

Til another day...celebrate the little things, because one day you just might realize they are really the big things!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

.2 Really?

Today was another weigh in. I am a little disappointed. I lost a whopping .2 lbs, yes .2 (not 2, not half, .2) I think its a combination of extreme stress trying to get packed and moved along with the fact that I ate dinner last night at 11pm. Not my smartest move ever. But its a new diet hopefully next week I can see a better number.

I need to just focus on the fact that it wasn't a gain. This is another issue I have with dieting...when I don't see a "significant" move on the scale I get really discouraged, especially when I am working SO hard. But I am keeping my head up and moving forward, its just discouraging...does anyone else see gains and want to quit?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Still Kicking

I am still here and kicking. Starting week 3. Although I am in the middle of packing and moving so I am not too sure how the eating will go this week, but so far I have personally been very proud of myself. I honestly cannot remember the last time I said that (about ANYTHING).

I don't weigh in again until Thursday (but I had a dr appointment today) and he told me "congratulations" its a great start. So that made me feel good. Plus I have seen "little" changes like I can now wear my wedding ring again (I stopped wearing it when I was about 28 weeks pregnant) and this is the first time since then (over a year) that it fits. I also have a pair of capris that I hadn't worn since Sara was born...I wore them this weekend no problem. So that's encouraging.

Honestly the biggest change is me...I feel proud and accomplished. its slow, but I am ok with that because I know that's the best way. Another thing that has really changed for me this time around...I use to "mess up" my diet by eating something "bad" and I would go "oh well, I messed up, no more diet" and I would quit. EVERY SINGLE TIME! Not this time...I haven't made perfect choices, but I start with the next meal and do better. We had a party for my daughter's birthday Saturday and I had allotted to eat a piece of cake to celebrate. No biggie...but we had leftovers and the next morning I ate a piece for breakfast. Rather than freak out...I took the cake and got it out of my house first. Then for lunch I had lots of veggies and fruit and had a nice balanced dinner. I didn't let one slip up stop me, which again, for me is NEW.

So...I know Im on the right track.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

first weigh in

I started this time on my journey last Monday, but my aunt started weight watchers with me on Thursday, so we decided to weigh in on Thursdays. So, this morning I weighed in and lost 6.4lbs. I will tell you I have never ever worked so hard at my diet in my life. I really was mindful of what I was eating and when. When I was full verses stressed or what not. I know some of it is water weight and that it will be slower after this week, especially with packing and moving. But, for here, now, and today I am proud to say I am down over 6lbs.

Friday, September 9, 2011

quite proud actually

I just had to blog a success I had, which may seem small to some, but for me its huge. My husband and I went out to lunch today to one of my favorite places ever. Its called Rice King, its a whole in the wall Chinese place in Provo...anyway..they have a lunch special fr 5.00 including a drink, soup,egg roll, entree and rice. EVERY single time I have gone there I eat it ALL...not some or most, but ALL. Today, I ate half my soup (which was yummy but super hot). Then as soon as my plate arrived I cut it in half, and I realized this whole time i have been eating at least 2 cups of fried rice and 2 cups of the meat entree. that's A LOT! Plus i would drink regular full sugar soda. Not today. I knew my points and what i was going to eat before I got there...and i only ate half, the other half is in my refrigerator...its still high in pts and I wouldn't do it everyday by any means, but it was a nice treat for us. but, the best part? I FEEL FULL! I didn't feel deprived seeing food left on my plate or seeing it in that to go box.

I know this is small, but for me I need to acknowledge the little steps to get to the big steps. I am making progress and my body is responding. today also I am finally seeing lower blood sugar numbers, and I have taken less insulin today than ever before. So its all on the up and up...things like this make me think i can actually do this. YAY!

Also, a couple recent pictures so I can see a starting point....

weight watchers

My darling Aunt paid for my online membership to weight watchers so we could do it together and be supportive to each other. I like and enjoyed using it,but since weight watchers is being paid for I am going to do that for a while.

So far on day 5 I am feeling really good. Getting my water in, not drinking soda, eating better, more fruits and veggies, and making conscious choices. we will see what the scale shows...hopefully we are friends

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

exercise opinions?

So all you (the whole 2 or 3 of you who read this)...I have HORRIBLE knees, i had knee surgery just a few weeks ago, and I am super scared to hurt them again while trying to workout. But I know i need to. is walking best? is there a good dvd that is low impact on knees? pool? any ideas or suggestions.

Also, I learned that I shouldnt eat dinner at 9pm, snack ok, but not dinner...i get too hungry. I ate last night late because my hubby has class til 830. And I felt RAVENOUS...not cool.

But so far on my 3rd day of this time around I feel good. I feel strong. and i have done great. No soda. Getting my water in. At or under my calories everyday. So i feel good.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

suprise, suprise

here I am again! however, this time something is, my determination, my motivation...all changed.

I recently had knee surgery and my dr told me i have to get control of my diabetes and weight or I will need a knee replacement. He also told me I had 50 year old knees. it was a shock, and a wake up call. Also, I was wearing a knee brace, and because of how big I am and how tight it was I got a rash..because my diabetes hasn't been under control it still has not healed and its been OVER a month!

I am sad to say that the diabetes didn't bother me much because my mom had it and my sister had it. gosh! that should have been the wakeup sister died from hers. I need to take control.

So, i am on day 2 of my starting over and so far I feel great. I am on plan, I feel better and i dont feel hungry. I haven't done much moving/exercising yet, but that'll come. So, here's to another time around....has anyone else started and stopped as often as I have??? seriously!

Monday, April 4, 2011

The good and the bad

The good: I am only 3 lbs above my starting pregnancy weight.
The Bad: I am 23 lbs higher than the lowest weight I got to.

The good: I am starting again
The bad: I am starting again

The good: I have stopped drinking regular soda
The bad: I was up to drinking an obscene amount of soda a day (now its just water, crystal lite, and an occasional diet soda)

The good: I am excited to start walking with Daren and going to the gym
The Bad: Although I am not sedentary I wasn't doing as much as I should

The good: i am watching my calories and making portion control choices
the bad: I was eating JUNK...lots of JUNK

The good: I can get rid of my diabetes by losing weight
the bad: I have diabetes and have to take medicine and insulin

So here's to making this a GOOD experience rather than a "BAD" one