Thursday, December 29, 2011

weigh in and where I am now

Well writing out my feelings on here DID help, but I still went crazy this past week. I had 4 Christmas parties in the same week, and I pretty much stopped caring and ate what I wanted. I was sure I had gained at least 5 lbs. Today I weighed in and I DID gain, but only .8. Im not making an excuse, a gain is a gain, but its so much better than I thought and today starts a new week.

My mother in law has her treadmill down now too, so hopefully that'll be a help/reminder. Also my sister in law and mother in law have golds gym passes now, so hopefully with extra help/motivation and a work out partner I will go more often. That's my main focus for the new year is to incorporate exercise more.

Now the other thing is that I am not hitting my 35 lbs by the end of the year. In the past I would have freaked out and quit. But this time I am realizing where I AM AT. I have lost almost 33 lbs since September. I weigh less than I have in years (and less than when I even got married) And I am making life changes, not temporary to meet goals changes. I will hit the 35, probably at next weigh in..and you know what? I AM OK WITH THAT!

I have a long way to go, but I am getting there. One choice at a time, so here's to new choices this week

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Well I made it through yesterday back on track, under my points for the day. But it felt numb. It was very odd. Partly I am sure because I am sick. I have never gotten this sick this fast before. Saturday night my throat "tickled" and at about 3 am sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog. I am taking medicine, but breathing is painful and hard, I cough a lot and today I have almost no voice. My daughter keeps looking at me like "mom is that really you?"

Today I am going to lunch with a friend to do Christmas gifts, but I already have planned out what I am eating, so hopefully I stay on point there. Also, tonight I already know what i am making for dinner (lasagna) and then we are exchanging gifts with our dear friend, Dan and hanging out. So it should be a good day and everything is planned out, so I hope that keeps things in check.

Have a lovely day all!

Monday, December 19, 2011

emotional eating

This past week (ok, so this past 4-5 days) I have realized just how much of an emotional eater I really am. It never clicked for me before that I do this...

I started gaining weight as a child young. But it didn't start REALLY until my life changed in ways I can't even explain. My grandma (who was like a mom to me and one of the most important people in my life) died. Then my dad left my mom. and then I was sexually abused. I realized how much all that hurt and I ate. My mom took me to therapy too to work through things, but they kept leaving adding to my abandonment issues and so I ate. It started slow...I didn't really become overweight until I was 12-13 I'd say. But then people would add to my pain, so i would eat. They'd say "you have a pretty face, but you're fat." or "you could be great at basketball if you weren't so fat" or some bratty 6th grader would leave a Jenny Craig ad on my desk. Or kids would moo as I got on the bus. It was awful miserable and so I ate. My mom got more and more "crazy and out of control" after the above things happened...she completely stopped being a mom for a while (we lived in filth, we ate LOTS and LOTS of processed and frozen stuff, she'd hit us because she'd get so mad, she cried a lot and told us she was going to kill herself, we spent time in foster care) and through all that I ATE.

When I was 13 i developed an eating disorder. I would binge until I hurt, then puke until I hurt. It was a vicious cycle, but it kept my weight gain at bay. I never lost weight, I just got VERY sick. I moved in with my aunt and uncle in NJ and got help for the eating disorder. But I never got help for the emotional eating. I would gain roughly 50 lbs through the next 10 years, and go through relapse in the bulimia numerous times.

Why am I writing all this out? because this week I started to FEEL for the first time since I started dieting. And what did I do? I A LOT and A LOT. And then some more. I had McDonald's (yuck!) and sugar galore...and as soon as I had that it sent me into "i am starving and need crappy food, even if I was full to being sick". So I am sure I will gain this week. But today I am taking control back...I don't want to. I don't want to feel this pain again, but I am trying to.

It was 4 years ago today I talked to my baby sister, Robyn, for the last time. I wished her a happy 19th birthday and told her I loved her. 2 days later she was missing and 5 days later was found dead. My life has been altered in ways NO ONE can imagine since those days. And every year at this time I struggle. I miss her. I wish it were me instead of her. I feel lonely and alone and I miss her more than I can say. And usually today I would make a cake and sing happy birthday and celebrate her life with my husband, best friend and her hubby, but this year that's not an today, I feel the pain and I sing happy birthday to her in my head, and wish that I could sing to her in person...and wish, oh how I wish to be half the woman she was.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Yay! 10% and thoughts/feelings

This morning I weighed in, another 1.8 lbs gone, for a total of 32.8, which is more than my 10% goal (barely) but i made it to 10%. This is also the lightest I have been in probably 10 years.

I feel a little scared that I am going to mess this up...especially with Christmas and all the parties, because I will enjoy them. December is hard enough (with my sister having died in December 4 years ago) so I will enjoy the small things. But i slowly learning how people and places and activities can be the "small things" i enjoy instead of food...I wish I could say I will do this and I have and am great at it, but Im not. But its a realization.

My clothes fit so different now. Its so odd. I don't SEE a change in my body yet, but I know there has to be at least a small one because I am down almost 2 full sizes. The jeans I bought not that long ago (like 2 months) are almost too big. Granted, every brand is different, but in these I am almost a 22. I have a LONG way to go. And maybe when you have over 150 lbs to lose having lost 32 doesn't feel like a lot, BUT it will. and slowly, just slowly I am shifting how I see me.

more on that later...have a good day my 2-3 readers!

Friday, December 9, 2011

getting closer

Weigh in was thursday...down another 3 lbs, for a total of 31 lbs. My goal was 35 by the end of the year, and it feels good to know I CAN get there (i mean 4 more lbs this month even with the holiday is doable) So that feels good. I am also 1 lb away from having lost 10% of my body weight. That feels like a good number and a good goal to reach.

Im hoping that over the next month (yes, I am giving myself until Jan.) I will start having even more energy and can add in the gym, as I think it'd help with a lot of things. SO that's my next project.

Merry Christmas all!

Friday, December 2, 2011

I survived

I survived Thanksgiving and didn't gain, so I count that a success. In fact yesterday at weigh in I lost 1.6 lbs, 28 total gone. Hopefully with all these holiday parties that continues.

Not a lot to say today...I have gotten a little slack on tracking, I need to get back on that. Otherwise I am making it. :)