Monday, December 19, 2011

emotional eating

This past week (ok, so this past 4-5 days) I have realized just how much of an emotional eater I really am. It never clicked for me before that I do this...

I started gaining weight as a child young. But it didn't start REALLY until my life changed in ways I can't even explain. My grandma (who was like a mom to me and one of the most important people in my life) died. Then my dad left my mom. and then I was sexually abused. I realized how much all that hurt and I ate. My mom took me to therapy too to work through things, but they kept leaving adding to my abandonment issues and so I ate. It started slow...I didn't really become overweight until I was 12-13 I'd say. But then people would add to my pain, so i would eat. They'd say "you have a pretty face, but you're fat." or "you could be great at basketball if you weren't so fat" or some bratty 6th grader would leave a Jenny Craig ad on my desk. Or kids would moo as I got on the bus. It was awful miserable and so I ate. My mom got more and more "crazy and out of control" after the above things happened...she completely stopped being a mom for a while (we lived in filth, we ate LOTS and LOTS of processed and frozen stuff, she'd hit us because she'd get so mad, she cried a lot and told us she was going to kill herself, we spent time in foster care) and through all that I ATE.

When I was 13 i developed an eating disorder. I would binge until I hurt, then puke until I hurt. It was a vicious cycle, but it kept my weight gain at bay. I never lost weight, I just got VERY sick. I moved in with my aunt and uncle in NJ and got help for the eating disorder. But I never got help for the emotional eating. I would gain roughly 50 lbs through the next 10 years, and go through relapse in the bulimia numerous times.

Why am I writing all this out? because this week I started to FEEL for the first time since I started dieting. And what did I do? I A LOT and A LOT. And then some more. I had McDonald's (yuck!) and sugar galore...and as soon as I had that it sent me into "i am starving and need crappy food, even if I was full to being sick". So I am sure I will gain this week. But today I am taking control back...I don't want to. I don't want to feel this pain again, but I am trying to.

It was 4 years ago today I talked to my baby sister, Robyn, for the last time. I wished her a happy 19th birthday and told her I loved her. 2 days later she was missing and 5 days later was found dead. My life has been altered in ways NO ONE can imagine since those days. And every year at this time I struggle. I miss her. I wish it were me instead of her. I feel lonely and alone and I miss her more than I can say. And usually today I would make a cake and sing happy birthday and celebrate her life with my husband, best friend and her hubby, but this year that's not an today, I feel the pain and I sing happy birthday to her in my head, and wish that I could sing to her in person...and wish, oh how I wish to be half the woman she was.


Tiffany said...

"I'm sorry" is such an inadequate response. And really, I know you didn't write this for "pity". I hope that writing this all down was cathartic for you. You have risen above much of this garbage and endured much. You are stronger today in spite of so much trying to drag you down. Remember your sister with love today and prove to yourself that you are amazing!!

REBYRYAN said...

I am glad you felt like you could get all of that out. I'm sure it was difficult but hopefully, like Tiffany said, helpful. There is no doubt in my mind that Robyn wants you to be the best you that you can possibly be. She loves you just as much as you love her. You have truly been through more than most people can even imagine. But you are also stronger than most people can even imagine ever being (whether you realize it or not). You can so do this! LOVE YOU!