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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Shame

I have been MIA on here because frankly I fell off the wagon and fell hard. I stopped caring and practically ate everything in site, or drank. I was back on regular pepsi (i won't admit how much) candy everyday, and just out of control. And Monday I started over, yet again. I was ashamed to step on that scale because I KNEW I had gained, and gained A LOT. I knew because my clothes were tight again, my shirts made me look/feel pregnant again, and I just felt more YUCK.

The scale Monday (the 10th) read 295.8. Sigh. That is almost a 20 lb gain in 2 months. Yeah, not good, or happy. I am pissed. I am ashamed. I am sad.

So, now I am back in gear. I am back at work and this weight is coming off. I had a wake up call the first of September. My husbands whole family went to Lake Powell, Utah on the water on a house boat. And let me tell you spending 5 days in a swim suit and trying to chase after an almost 2 year old who just wants to go head first into the water is exhausting when your a normal weight (i assume) but when you are this overweight, this tired, and this out of control on food it was down right miserable. I will not do that again.

So, again, no matter what it takes or how long I will get this weight off. I guess the goal is to keep getting back up each time I fall, but man its discouraging.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

7/11 weigh in

Today was weigh in day. I lost 2.2 lbs. YAY! I am back on track. I was very good this week...measured everything, and ate the right sizes and everything. So i am happy with 2.2 lbs. I am still up almost 7 lbs since my lowest, but i am heading in the right direction.

Hope everyone else is doing well. YOU can do this, and so can I!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The accountability post

So I kind of dropped off the blogging band wagon for a number of reasons: I was ashamed that I couldn't get back on track. I was embarassed I'd gained weight back. I was mad I had to start over all over again. And mostly I just hated facing the facts. Well today is the starting over day.

My new weigh in day will be Wednesday (the monday weigh in was KILLING me). And everything I eat/drink will be written down even if i go way over pts.

Weight today is 282.8. So I gained about 6 lbs in the last little over a month. Not happy! :( but I guess it could have always been worse. So, here's to starting over, yet again.

I can use all the checking in anyone wants to offer.

Monday, May 14, 2012

5/14 weigh in

Today the scale is down 3 lbs. On monday I should hit my 50 lbs gone mark. 2 more lbs. It has taken much longer than i thought it would, but who cares? I am getting there.

I didn't fully go all week without sugar, but I did do 5 days without sugar, and that helped with the weight loss. So, we will see how this week goes with no sugar, or very little sugar.

hope everyone has a great week.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Weigh in 5/7/2012

Weigh in was less than ideal. I knew it would be...date night, girls night out, 2 birthday parties. I lost 1/2 a lb. Wish it were more, but I guess a loss is a loss. :)
I redid my small goals...I have fallen so behind that it will take me forever to get to where I want to be, BUT I WILL GET THERE!

This week I am back on no sugar again. I seem to do better with no sugar. So far so good. hopefully it will help on the scale to. I had a check up on my diabetes today and things are looking great. MY A1C test came back really good...so this losing weight is helping emensely there. so ill keep it up.

here's to a good week to all

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Sometimes I forget

My friend posted this video on facebook and it reminded me that no matter what you don't give up. No matter how long it takes me to lose this weight I will not give up. This video is truly inspirational. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448&sns=fb

Monday, April 30, 2012

Weigh in

i was actually terrified to weigh in this morning, as Daren and I made a last minute trip out of town for the weekend to celebrate him finishing another semester of school. I tracked everything I ate and drank (including a 32 oz pepsi) and suprisingly didn't go over my weekly pts total. So, the scale this morning was down 2 lbs. So 45 lbs gone. It feels good to be back on track. Now I just gotta keep the momentum going. I see the orthopedic dr next week for hopefully my final follow up visit, so lets hope after that i can get back to exercise. Yay. Here's to a good week!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

random check in

Hi all! It's thursday, which means the week is almost over and guess what!? I have been 100% on track. I feel so much better this week (except for being tired (always) and my shoulder hurting) I stepped on the scale this morning just to check and so far the scales LOVING being back on track too. We will see how it goes officially on Monday. But it looks like I am on track and headed for my first loss in over a month. YAY! This morning I was in the kitchen doing some dishes and my darling hubby walks in and says "don't get mad or offended." then he paused and I took a deep breath ready to be both and he said "but those capri's you're wearing are WAY too big. you shouldn't wear them again." I literally laughed out loud. Who could be mad at that? I mean seriously. He's so cute and supportive. I sure love him. Welp I hear Sara stirring from her nap...so good look to all the rest of the week.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Finally back on track

YAY~ Today I was 100% back on track. Drank all my water. Got my fruits and veggies and stayed within my points for the day. I call that success since I haven't been able to do that since the beginning of March. So here's to losing this week.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sometimes I honestly wonder why I try?

Yeah, the blog title about sums up my feelings right now. So, you know that blissful vacation I went on? You know my plan where I "thought" i could go and watch my eating without tracking.? Where I "thought" I'd be fine and only gain 1-2 lbs? Yeah! Didn't happen. I gained a lot. Like as much as it took me over a month to lose. I am still not sure how I gained THAT much. Well, kind of I do. I ate out...A LOT, like every single meal. I also fell back into drinking soda and we weren't super active. I blame some of the gain on flying but only some. SO to be accountable here's what I gained...I gained 19 lbs. YES, you read that right in 7 days I gained almost as much as my 18 month old weighs.

It has thrown me for a loop. I have since lost that entire amount and am now back to where I was when I left for Ohio on March 6Th. But you know what? I can't get back on track. Everyday I have good intentions but something happens. I am in this FUNK that I can't seem to claw out of. That's why I have avoided writing on here. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. I am mad.

I'm not sure what to do or how to get back on track. After Ohio came my birthday, then shoulder surgery, which has me in a sling for 3 more weeks still. So I think that's part of the funk too. But honestly I am trying to get out of this...just don't know how. And I know my mini goal of losing 50 lbs is next week and it makes me SO mad I am going to miss it. I should be happy I have lost 43 lbs and kept it off but I am not. I am mad. I hate myself right now. Its not a happy place. SO please any encouraging words would help right now.

hope everyone else is fairing better. Much love,
H

ps enjoy a couple pictures


This was our christmas picture...it was taken in November (so I had already lost a little)

Family picture taken in Ohio 3/10/12 (notice that nice bruise...yeah don't run into walls)

the whole family 3/10

Friday, March 2, 2012

Vacation plans...

So we are going to Ohio next week for 7 days of bliss. I am SO excited! But i want to enjoy it (there are foods and things there I can only do in Ohio) I won't go over board, but I also want to enjoy it. SO, I will not be weighing in while I am in Ohio. I will weigh in on Monday the 5th and then not again until march 19th. I am ok with this. No pressure, but still accountable when I return.

I plan on taking a couple pictures in some clothes I was wearing in September...Im excited to have picture evidence that my body has changed. Its much easier to SEE it if its actual proof. So here's to that this weekend

Monday, February 27, 2012

weigh in and the weekend

Today's weigh in was less than ideal, but I am ok. I gained a pound. But that being said I lost 1 full inch off my waist and 1/2 an inch off my hips in the month of Feb. I knew i would probably gain as my hubby and i spent the weekend without our daughter at a fancy hotel and I just wanted to indulge and have fun. Plus its that time of the month...so all things considered it's ok. Next week will reflect better numbers.

I had a fantastic weekend! It was nice to not have to wake up or beg the hubby to wake up with our daughter and to leave her with someone I trusted. It was nice to go to dinner and not worry about food on the floor or spilt milk from a sippy cup. NOW, don't get me wrong, I LOVE AND ADORE MY DAUGHTER, but every now and then it's nice to just have me and the hubby time. It was heavenly.

i am back on track today and feeling good..except one thing. I went to the dr friday cause my stomach was hurting so bad I thought I would pass out. He said it was an intestional infection. Anyway, one of the tests he ran said I was SUPER dehydrated. SAY WHAT? How can I be super dehydrated when I am drinking tons and tons of water? I drink 8-12 8 oz glasses every day. Hmmm...any thoughts???

Thursday, February 23, 2012

blah, i may vomit

I need to confess. I just caved in and made cookies with my daughter and nephew....and man i way way over did it. i wasn't going to eat any, but hot fresh chocolate chip cookies i couldn't turn down. now i may be sick. i may have eaten a few (think 5...holy blah) that was a HUGE slip up. I think i am just discouraged. my shoulder isn't healing. i hurt, im tired. sara is sick again. so i gave in. back on the wagon now, but i had to confess to blogger land so i wouldn't go eat more. yeah, how does that make sense? i ate enough cookies to make me sick but i want more? ill never understand

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

What is beautiful?

This is something that I have wondered/questioned my whole life. But lately it's hit me harder. I attended a conference for our church recently and one of the speakers spoke on the topic "self worth vs self esteem" It really struck me because my entire life i have felt ugly. Not just when I was overweight, although that was most of my life. I remember even in kindergarden feeling 'ugly". Even then i compared myself to others. as i got older i did that more and more and felt uglier and uglier.

So to compensate for my "ugliness" i excelled in my grades. I cried if i got a "B". i was nice to everyone. I hoped if i was nice people wouldn't care if i was ugly and fat. Then I ate to hide the pain this brought. if i was asked where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do i always responded with "you decide. i dont care" And honestly I DID care sometimes, but i thought if i spoke up id lose people. they'd think "who is this person to have an opinion"

As I have been on this weight loss journey this time I am trying VERY hard to figure out how to never be here again. To address the emotional behind it. Does being fat/overweight/chubby/whatever you call it really make me ugly? Does it really make me "less" than my skinny counterparts. My whole life i have thought that answer was a very loud yes. but lately i dont think so.

I am kind and compassionate, not because i want people to like me, but because that's how i wish i had been treated in the past, and it makes me happy to be there for others. I write notes because i love getting mail and i hope just maybe a small note would make someone smile. I am loyal, and dependable. I have talents (EVEN if i dont always see them)

Am I beautiful and successful to the world? Probably not. Am I to my family? I think so. Am I to Heavenly Father? Heck yes! So the question is...do i care enough about the "world" to let them tell me i am a failure because i dont have a degree? that i am a failure because i am not rich? that i am a failure because i am not a size 2? until recently that answer was yes, yes i did care enough. But you know what? The people that matter think I am beautiful no matter how much I weigh or how much school I did. And at the end of my day those are the people that matter. So do I think I am beautiful? not yet. But I am SO much closer. It's a work in progress. But no matter where it takes me or what happens I know I am not as ugly as I once thought, and that my friends is a HUGE step forward. So here's to take steps forward everyday

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Ring

When Daren and I got married it was the happiest and hardest time in my life. There was A LOT going on. I missed my sister during the planning, but it was so exciting. I loved my fiancee, my ring, the dress, i loved it all. Well I never ever in my wildest nightmares thought there'd come a time when my wedding ring no longer fit, except maybe when I got pregnant.

Well that wasn't the case. It got tight not too long after we got married. I kept wearing it but every night had to take it off. Then when I got pregnant it wouldn't fit at all. It was SO tight I stopped wearing it altogether. I wasnt able to wear it after Sara was born either. It made me sad. I mean i KNOW its just a symbol. I know it didn't matter, but it made me super depressed and sad.

Well it fits! In fact its loose. I LOVE wearing my ring again. It more than most things marks my progress. :)

Life is good right now. I am 9 days NO SUGAR! YAY ME!

Monday, February 20, 2012

The weigh in 2/20/12

Today was weigh in day and I was nervous since last week saw a gain. Mostly I think I was nervous because I tracked RELIGIOUSLY, drank all my water (and more), and didn't eat any sugar (and oh boy there were temptations). But the scale was kind today. I lost 4.8 lbs this week. YAY! So that's a total of 42.8 lbs since September when I started this journey again.

So basically it showed me a few things: 1. I CAN stay motivated and keep a goal, if I work really really hard. Let me tell you thought....passing on ice cream, doughnuts, cookies and candy was SO HARD! i felt like I was missing out. I hated it. BUT, it has made a difference in the weight. I had more energy for a couple days, but then got a stupid migraine, don't know what that's about. 2. Water in take or lack thereof makes a huge difference too. That I can do. 3. Its good to tell people your plans for the week. Its a good thing to be accountable.

This week? Hmm...I think im going to stick to the water goal. Up my exercise (for my challenge this week Im supposed to do 60 minutes a day...not sure my body or mind can do that, but ill give it a go). and I think Ill stick to the no sweets thing, until Saturday (saturday the hubby and I are celebrating our anniversary, so i am going to have cheesecake that the hotel provides) Other than that wish me luck. here's hoping next week is just as good.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

An accomplishment

This is small and silly, but for me its HUGE, so I am writing about it. Today my sister and law and me were going to take the kiddos swimming at a local rec center. But last night both our kids started coughing, and having runny noses, so we canceled. Well we had told my 6 year old nephew about it and i knew he would be bummed if we didn't do something. SO, I told him if he finished all his chores he could go grocery shopping with me and get ice cream. Our local grocery store sells HUGE ice cream cones for .69 each. So off we went. He got a chocolate ice cream cone dipped in bubble gum (GAG) and I got Sara (my 17 month old) a plain vanilla cone. I told the guy it was for the baby and to only do a tiny bit. He didn't listen. Anyway, Sara ate about a total of a tablespoon of ice cream and then was totally done. What did I do with my MOST FAVORITE TREAT EVER?

I threw it away. Yes, I took the whole cone/cup (almost a full cup of ice cream) and tossed it out rather than eating it. So, this whole week I have had NO TREATS, NO SUGAR (except what's in drinks, juice, pepsi) So i am pretty proud of myself. Throwing away ice cream is huge for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE ice cream. So its a small step for some but a huge one for me.

Here's to hoping the scale shows my discipline this week cause I have also gotten ALL my water and then some. And I will finally get full pts on my get fit challenge for not eating sweets. YAHOO!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

clothing

As far back as I can remember I have always had to shop in the plus size specialty stores/section. usually the clothes you get to choose from are NOT cute, flattering or fun. And they are expensive. I mean when you weigh 300 lbs do you really want to wear a pink and polka dot shirt? Anyway, one thing I have been looking forward to as I lose weight (besides the obvious) is to buy some cute clothes.

The other day (for valentines day) I decided to try on some jeans I bought a while ago to wear when i lost weight. The fit. They buttoned and fit, but they are still tight. They still give me a muffin top. But they are a size 22 instead of a 26/28 like when I started. Not a HUGE difference, but still a few sizes down. Im also in 2x mostly. Not 3's. Again not a huge difference, but its going down.

Can't wait to be in the teen sizes and no "X" in my shirt size.

Heres to a cute new outfit~

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Valentine's day

Yesterday was such a lovely day. I am not a "fan" of valentine's day. I never have been. I have always thought "why do I need a day to tell my hubby/daughter/friends/family I love them? Shouldn't I tell them/show them everyday?" But needless to say we still usually do dinner or something. Yesterday we were lucky in that Daren didn't have to work at all. SO we spent the WHOLE day together, which was such a special treat.

I stuck to making sure I drank all my water and I still didn't have a single treat/sweet. I did go over calories/points and had a cheat day where I didn't count really. BUT, in my opinion it was absolutely worth it. I loved spending time with my hubby. We went to lunch with our daughter. I got roses. We gave each other cards. We went shopping (I had money for a couple new outfits/jeans/etc from Christmas and it had been burning a hole long enough - more on what I got tomorrow) then we went and saw the Vow with Rachel McAdam's and Channing Tatum...OMG! It was SO my kind of movie. Cheesy, predictable, romantic, tear jerking love story. I loved the idea behind the movie, and I found out its a true story..made me like it more. Then we did late night appetizers for half off. What a great day.

Today still getting my water in. Did my exercise, still just sticking to the Wii fit thanks to the shoulder, but i know i am at least still moving, so its a plus. and still no treats/sugar. (although, confession: I did drink Pepsi yesterday. GASP! I am addicted. that's my hardest thing while dieting. but I'm not counting that against me, as i can't give up both at the same time)

Also, here's a picture just for fun of me today. I don't see much difference in me, but i had a camera out and figured why not try.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Goals for this week, oh yeah and a weigh in

Today was weigh in day. I wasn't suprised with what I saw, but I sure was disappointed. I gained 1/2 lb. I am just struggling. This week I had 2 date nights with the hubby (WHICH NEVER EVER EVER happens), a baby shower for my best friend and her twins, and a family valentines day party. Food, food and more food. I just have no will power. Is that what that magic thing that lets people stop eating crap is called? hmm...maybe I can buy that on ebay?

Anyway...I reviewed my food and activity this week, and it all lacked. I didn't drink all my water, which I KNOW is a big contributor. Plus I ate A LOT of sugar (think cheese cake, peanut butter bars, etc). I also ate a lot of carbs (pasta, bread, etc). I didn't work out as hard or as much with my shoulder. Its just been a tough week. Well to be honest its been a tough couple weeks.

I am feeling really defeated today. I know I am not. I know I can do things different this week, but its frustrating. SO...


Goals this week. 1. NO TREATS! I have sugar free pudding and 100% fruit bars that I will have if i am desperate for sugar. THis should be something I do anyway with my diabetes, but I don't. I admit it, i am not perfect, in fact I am not even sure what that is. 2. make sure i drink at least 8 glasses of water EVERY SINGLE DAY! 3. get enough sleep.

Hopefully those small changes will show a couple pound loss on the scale. I am exactly 2 lbs away from 40 lbs lost. It'd be nice to hit that, then move on. This weigh loss thing is super hard. BUt I am going to do it. It will not win, not this time.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Orthopedic surgeons verdict...sort of

As some of you know, but for those that don't I am a clutz. Full on no denying it at all. Since my husband and I got married almost 3 years ago I have had 3 knee surgeries (2 miniscus tears and an ACL tear) I also had an emergency c-section. Not the best impression as newlyweds (luckily my hubby loves me anyway). Well on Jan. 6th I ran to Smith's grocery store to get some things on a case lot sale. I went alone while daren stayed home and watched a movie with one of our friends. When I was unloading our cart into the back of our 4-runner my cart started to roll towards a nice car next to me, so I lunged/reached to grab it. Well, in my haste to grab it I tripped over the trailer hitch sending the full 290 lbs of my body weight towards my already excelerating arm. I was hurt pretty bad, or at least felt like I was. I called daren sobbing hysterically. I was able to get up and drive home, but every bump made me bawl.

When I arrived home he insisted I go to the ER. I was sure nothing was broke, but I could something was wrong. The x-ray showed nothing broke, but did show arthritis. He said "you probably tore something and in 2 weeks you'll be good as new". Well, in 2 weeks I was in just as much pain as day one. I still couldn't life my shoulder/arm very high and it hurt constantly. So I went to my dr, who sent me to physical therapist. Now I have had enough physical therapy in my life to know it hurts a little to stretch things, but man this was bad. They couldn't get me stretched to where I needed to go because it hurt me so bad. So after 2 weeks of doing that I was sent back to the dr for an MRI. The MRI showed that I tore the tendon that connects my bicep to my shoulder. I was then sent to an orthopedic surgeon to discuss surgery.

I wanted to cry. ANOTHER surgery? REALLY? Anyway, yesterday was that visit and I Was very honest about trying to avoid surgery. The dr said that he is 99% sure Ill end up having surgery, but there were a few more things we could try first. SO I got a HUGE old shot of cortizone in my shoulder and am being sent back to physical therapy for the next 3 weeks. On March 5th Ill go back and get a decision. If things have improved at all they will continue with cortizone and physical therapy longer if there is still no improvement they will then schedule me for surgery. I was bummed, but I am still hopeful. But overall the pain and thought of it makes me sad and stressed, which makes me eat. Sigh.

I am praying for a maintain weigh in on Monday. If God is merciful I won't gain. But I admit I am struggling. I am 97% in my points range, but I am still eating crappy. I need more healthy real foods and less processed foods. Anyone want to cook for me?

Anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend! Keep moving on.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Weighing in...your thoughts welcome

So here's the debate...how often should you weigh in? do you weigh in everyday? every week? and which one counts as the "real weigh in?" I ask this because I have ALWAYS, my whole life been obsessed over my weight. MY mom was overweight, morbidly obese and my father was tall and super, super stick thin. So it was a topic of discussion my whole life. I remember being in kindergarden and being told I was "chubby" and then when I was about 12 I was told I couldn't make a certain outfit for 4-h sewing because "i was too big to pull it off". Anyway...back on topic. Because I have always been obsessed with weight I have always weighed myself more than what I consider normal (or what I think other people do= normal)

I suffered for years and years with a pretty bad eating disorder. I was hospitalized twice and did outpatient work at eating disorder centers for years and years. When I was really sick I would weigh 15-20 times a day. I was a freshman at BYU here in Provo, Utah and I was miserable. I was taking 18 credits, working 2 jobs, had a huge responsibility at church (relief society 1st counserlor for those who know or care), and never slept. I was friends with everyone, but never really did a lot with people..I was either working or studying so I was kind of alone a little. And I was the biggest girl on my entire floor, heck in my entire church at that time. (yes, I compared myself to ALL those girls and feel short each and every time) so anyway...I had already been hospitalized twice by this point and was "allowed" to go off to college with the understanding I was "healed". Well, all those things above combined to make me crazy. I bought a scale and weighed in every single chance I got. If it went up AT ALL each of those times I made myself throw up. (crazy i know) I got really sick. I was in and out of drs and hospitals. I was weak, i was moody...it was not a fun time for me.

(Disclaimer: I am now 99.9% healed from the eating disorder...I still have thoughts of binging and purging. And there is a constant voice in my head telling me to throw up, especially if I over eat. But I have learned to ignore it) Fastforward to meeting my hubby. He thought I was beautiful, well, at least once he realized he liked me. He has ALWAYS been supportive of me, and my struggles with weight. He knew about the eating disorder and all my past things. And we made a deal that I would only be able to diet if I weighed in just once a week. Now, he knows I have broke that rule before, but lately I want to break it daily. Our scale is in the bathroom (its my MIL's and since we live with them I don't have much control over where it is) and everytime I change my daughters diaper, go to the bathroom, shower, or brush my teeth I think about weighing in. Usually I can control it to just once a day, but it still feels obsessive and odd. Does that make sense?

SO, I am asking you...how often do you weigh in? Is it normal to want to/to weigh in everyday? Any suggestions. This all came on because this week I have been weighing everyday and its been discouraging see the numbers go up and then not move. Especially since I am on track. Who knows. Maybe monday will show different.

Thanks lovelys! Have a great day!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Checking in

Yesterday I tracked everything thing I ate and was under my weight watchers points for the day. It felt good to track everything again. Now I just gotta keep that up so I have accountability. :)

I have a pretty bad sinus infection so I have been rather lazy in general. On antibiotics, cough drops and the like trying to feel better. Drinking plenty of water. Hopefully I can make this week a great week.

This is super short. Just wanted to check in and have it noted that I am back on track and am tracking. Have a great day everyone

Monday, February 6, 2012

Weigh in and reflecting on January

The first weigh in of each month I record my weight for my ticker here on blogger (see right side) that happens to be today. Todays' weigh in I was down 1 lb, not as much as I had hoped but good considering January was rough and it was still a loss for the month. The month of January I lost 5 lbs. Its not much, and part of me is disappointed. BUT, then I remember that's 5 lbs that are gone, off, not coming back. Its a loss....so this month I refocus and make February even better.

I am recommitting to tracking everything. I kind of got slacked on recording my food in take for January...it just got boring/slow/too time consuming. And I think it made a difference. I know 1-2lbs a week is good, I just want more. I want to meet all my goals on weight loss this year. I want to reach an "overweight BMI" rather than obese and then onto "normal BMI" oh man what will that feel like? Hmm....wait and see cause it WILL happen.

Im off to make my little one some breakfast. Have a great Monday all and remember today is a new day

Friday, February 3, 2012

Another slump

I seriously am just in a slump. I blamed it on my mishap in wendover. But it's just sticking around. I think my whole life I have turned to food/junk when I was in pain (any pain) hence how i got up to over 300 lbs. And this past month I have been in constant pain, even more than normal. So I have turned to "my regular outlet". Mostly I have just been drinking my regular pepsi again. But this past week its been sweets and soda and just blah. I found out i have to go get an MRI on my shoulder, as the physical therapy hasn't helped at all and the physical therapist thinks it's going to need surgery. I hope not, but I DO know that it is constantly in pain. I can't even pick up my daughter without tears. Plus I have had a migraine for 5 days straight.

Habits are super hard to break. This one is the worst. I eat to stuff feelings...and I still do. I am not 100% sure how to break this habit. Except I know this time I keep getting back on track...it's like my tracks keep switching and i have to keep jumping back and forth and its not so fun or encouraging. Any tips?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

how do YOU do it?

So question for my numerous readers (read extreme sarcasm there...all 3-4 of you) I was wondering what's your tricks/tips for seeing yourself in a positive light? Do you see yourself in a positive light? I mean I "know" I'm a child of God and I have that faith, but feeling it and believing it are completely different from knowing it. I can't take a compliment, never could. I just don't see what they are saying. I try, but my usual response is "no" or "who are you talking about" and usually its completely without thinking...meaning I just say it and don't hardly hear what they say.

My whole life I have worked to be "enough". "smart enough," "good enough", "skinny enough"...and everytime (at least to me and the negative thoughts/voices) I always fail. If i got an A on a test it should have been an A+, if I got into AP classes it should have been 3. If I lost 10 lbs it should have been 50. So I'd give up. And say "even when I try my hardest I don't do what I am supposed to do." So I quit. Pretty much everything in my life I quit and run from. Im changing that...but its super hard. Especially when you feel like a "failure" at every turn.

Our church had a women's conference last weekend and one of the talks I listened to was "self-esteem verses self-worth" It opened my eyes a little to the idea that what the world views as "good/accomplished/successful" is temporary and far from what I actually want to be good/accomplished/successful at. The world says you're only good if you are skinny, pretty, have a degree, married, rich, etc. They look at things that are "important to society" and I admit...I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to have some of those. But then I think about what I DO have...a husband who loves me unconditionally, a daughter who makes every single day better, a family that loves and supports me, etc. I am pretty richly blessed, but its hard for me to accept that i deserve those things. Does that even make sense?

Since I can remember I have hated myself, most people who know me already know this, or find it out. I had a lot handed to me at an early age and I blamed myself for not being "enough" to stop it, change it or improve it. And year after year I gained weight and then would feel more hatred. I tried bulimia/anorexia for years, but I was never good enough to get thin, just really really sick. add to the hatred. I graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class and went to BYU, but I got super sick the end of my freshman year and had to quit...more hatred. It just kept building. I tried too hard to get people to like me and then was hurt when I was the "safe" friend not the fun lets hang out friend. As I lose weight I am trying hard to find out WHY I got so big and how NOT TO GO BACK. One way I got there was the hate...I just kept stuffing food in to quite the hateful thoughts in my head. I stuffed the pain down. Now I need to feel it and move forward.

So after that long rambling...back to my original question...how do you see yourself?

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Wonder What it's like...

So this post is not happy, or sad persay, nor do I need/want sympathy, just venting and processing through things...

I wonder what it would be like to be a normal, healthy 30 year old. To be able to get out of bed in the morning without having to psych yourself up mentally and physically. To be able to carry your child up and down the stairs without fear of falling, and without agonizing pain. To be able to dress and bathe your child without tears of pain rolling down your cheeks. To eat a normal breakfast and not have to count calories. I wonder what that would be like?

I wonder what it would be like to not have constant pain that no one can see or understand? I wonder what a day without physical pain is like? I wonder what I could get done without it? I wonder what I could do with my body/health/life if I didn't hurt all the time?

I wonder what it is like to be thin....not stick/anorexic thin, but healthy thin. (I think kate winslet here) I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't grown up heavy and I wonder what it's like not to be called tubo, fat a**, whale, made mooing sounds at, etc. I wonder what its like to walk into a normal store and know that you could find anything you wanted and it would fit you (you may not like it, but it could fit) I wonder what's it like not to have to shop at speciality stores. I wonder what its like to go on an airplane or amusement park ride and not be TERRIFIED that you won't fit. To not have to ask for a seat belt expander.

To have people see the REAL YOU and not the fat, pain filled you that you've become. I wonder what it's like to be able to do things...to have friends to hang out with, play dates, etc. I wonder what my life would be like if I was healthier, and not in constant pain. I wonder if this road to losing weight is taking me where I need/want/can go. I have high hopes that losing the weight will take the pain away a little....and I am frightened it won't. I wonder, just once, if anyone could possibly understand my life....and all I've been through.

BUT, then I wonder if the things I have/do/say/have had done to me make me who I am...the part of who I am that I like? The part of me that lets me be a mom and be home with my daughter (despite the pain and hardness of it). I wonder if being bullied/made fun of has made me more empathetic and compassionate. I wonder if being dissed and ditched has made me a better friend. And if going without has led me to serve others anyway I can. I wonder...

Monday, January 30, 2012

Weigh in week 4

I started this get fit challenge on top of weight watchers on Jan 2nd. I have lost a total of 5.2 lbs this month. And a full inch off my hips and a full inch off my waist. I know it seems small, but I feel good about it. I probably could have lost a little more, been a little more strict, but I feel like 1 lb/week is pretty decent and doable which is most important. And I am thrilled about the inches. I also decreased my BMI by .8. Not a lot, but its moving down too. I also lost a full pants size this month. So the changes are coming...slow but sure.


Hope everyone is well

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The unavoidable gain

Well weigh in was yesterday, and as I thought I gained...BUT only 1/2 a lb. I feel like a broken record (but I type it/say it so Ill believe it) But considering I was up almost 5 lbs ill take a 1/2 lb gain. Am I happy? NO! But so far this week I am 100% on plan and feeling pretty good (other than lack of sleep and sore) The eating is going well and I feel back on track. So as one other blogger has said "Im not going to dwell because I can't change it now".

New week...next week Ill have a loss to report for sure!!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Why is it so hard?

Sometimes I just wish things were easy. I know, I know... I wouldn't learn, grow, be me, etc. I know this. But still can't something just be easy. I mean it's easy to gain weight (as evidenced by my almost 5 lb weight gain over the 4 days I was stranded in Wendover with only restaurant food to eat) Yeah...that's like 1 full lb a day! Why? It takes me 2-3 weeks to LOSE that SAME AMOUNT! GRRRRR! Sometimes I just get so frustrated.

I look around and see the success stories, but I also look around and see SO many that aren't...and I don't mean those who gained back 10 lbs or those who gained a little back but are losing it again. I mean the people who lost 50-100 lbs and gained it all back and are just content to have gained it back. Or people like my mom who have had not 1 but 2 gastric bypass type surgeries and is still overweight, maybe even obese according to BMI. or the people from the biggest loser who have gained it all back, or most of it. I know a lot don't...but sometimes its just hard.

I know I am just in a funk. I am not 100% sure why. I guess because I held onto this hope that as I lost weight my health would improve overnight (easy). But it hasn't(hard) I still have diabetes and still take pills and insulin. I still hurt daily from fibromyalgia and have a hard time doing things that most people find normal (showering, dressing, cleaning, cooking, playing with my daughter) I feel SO much guilt and self hate that I can't magically and easily fix this. I am in a funk of "what's the point" and I know the answers, I really do. But for today its hard and for today I am acknowledging it is hard. But that's all...I am back on the wagon. I am moving forward and even if it takes me 2-3 weeks to lose that almost 5 lbs I WILL LOSE IT and more. I know I can do it, but somehow writing how I "feel" helps.

hope everyone else is doing better.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Goal #1 down...and getting back on track, yes again.

Monday was my weigh in and since I adjusted my goals to reflect the new weigh in day...I was supposed to weigh in at 286.6 or less (for a total of 35 lbs lost) Well I weighed in at 285.8. So, i made my goal.

BUT, then hubby and I decided to do an overnight trip to wendover...we had free food and free room, no biggie right? Well, our started on our car died while we were there...so I ended up having to eat out sunday, monday and tuesday and didn't get home until tuesday night, and spent over 400 to fix the car. Sigh. Now I am having trouble refocusing and getting back on track. Its amazing how fast eating out can affect your weight. I am sure I have gained. And it makes me depressed. Plus I hurt so I just want to veg and eat. I know this gets me no where, so I am trying very very hard to pull myself up and get back on track. Wish me luck

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Who does that?

Today I was finally feeling a teeny tiny bit less sore since hurting my shoulder, so I ran a couple errands. I forgot to bring snacks. I brought water, but was SO hungry by the time I was in the middle of my errands not to mention an almost 16 month old starving too. So I decided to grab a subway salad on my way home. (good choice right?) well sara can't really eat that and she was having a MAJOR melt down. So I drove across the street and bought her chik-fil-a nuggets. I bought 8. Who in their rational mind thinks a 16 month old can eat 8 nuggets? Yeah...needless to say I ended up eating 4 of them, 2 1/2 are still in the box and her high chair. I mean it wasnt the end of the world to eat them, and I didn't eat them all...but man it was a slip up. The smell was intoxicating. But I learned my lesson. Make sure I have stuff to snack on in my car...ie: granola bars, almonds, etc.

Monday, January 9, 2012

first weigh in of 12 week challenge

I lost 2 lbs (actually it was 2.6, but only get credit for 2 lbs) MY first goal of the year is to be down a total of 35 lbs by Thursday (which were made when I was weighing in on Thursdays) so I tweaked it to be Mondays instead. Since I am down 34.8 so far I can easily hit the 35 by next monday. And hopefully start full swing on my way to losing 50lbs.

I am super sore. Tearing ligaments and tendons in your shoulder HURTS! I made my hubby pull out the WII fit board from storage because I can still step and do some of the wii fit stuff with my arm, but Im going to skip aqua aerobics this week to heal a little then get back in it next week.

Have a healthy week all!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Just keep swimming

Weigh in day today (the last thursday it will be thursday, from here on out it will be mondays (at least for 12 weeks) down 1.6 lbs. So dropped the .8 I gained and then a little. Ill take it. I haven't had any treats/sugar since Sunday and actually feel good. And I am not craving it like usual. MY guess is that once I eat sugar I want it...and if I don't eat it I am ok with out it.

I did aqua aerobics last night and then went back this morning. I am in love! It doesn't hurt. Its actually pretty fun, and suprisingly I like being the "young one" and I love the older crowd. They are pretty fun! I don't feel sore. But I can feel my muscles and know I got a work out in. Both classes have been a full hour, and I have NEVER EVER exercised in any way, shape or form for a full hour, so I am feeling pretty proud. :)

Hope everyone has a great week!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Get Fit Challenge

So as of yesterday I am "officially" back on track. I joined a get fit challenge to help me along too. Its 12 weeks and you get points each day for doing things healthy (ie: not eating after 9, no sweets, 48 oz of water, 5 fruits and vegetables, work out 5 days a week for 30 minutes, etc) Most of them are pretty easy for me, but there are 3 that are SUPER hard and it will be interesting to see how I do. 1. no sweets. (you can have 1 treat a day and still get points, but only half pts, and you do get 1 day you can "cheat") but I CRAVE sweets. Mainly if I eat sweets I want more. But its so hard just to not eat them...especially when my nephew and brother in law eat them all the time, or want to. 2. exercise 30 minutes 5 days a week. For me its more motivation and pain. Im not super motivated to go do that because 99% of the time it just hurts. I went to the gym yesterday with the intent to swim, but the pool was full so I rode a bike for 9 miles...which is a lot for me. But my back is in AGONY today. Not like a "oh i worked out and am sore" kind of pain but the "I may die, what did I do to myself pain". I know its fibromyalgia pain and I know that because i have it everyday, but when I do something too much it gets worse. SO today I am trying to decide if its worth trying something again or not. Sigh. Decisions decisions. and finally 3. 5 fruits and vegetables a day. This didn't sound so hard at first but man it is. Especially when theres very few fruits and vegetables I actually like. But yesterday and today I have done everything on the list. So we will see how it continues today and onward. I just gotta get this all worked out. The yo-yoing thing is NO fun.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Updated measurements

Today I took my waist and hip measurements, just to see where Ive come from (i haven't done that since I started this blog back in 2009) This is what it was in 2009:

Starting weight: 311 lbs (YIKES)
Neck measurement: 16'
Bust measurement: 47'
Waist measurement: 50'
hip measurement: 61'
arm measurement: 20'


Today: 289 lbs
neck measurement: 14 1/4'
Bust measurement:46'
waist measurement: 46'
hip measurement: 58'
arm measurement: 18'

So that's encouraging. the weight change isn't too different but the measurements are. Im in a competition that requires waist and hip measurements every month, so itll be interesting to see the changes more regularly.