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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Wonder What it's like...

So this post is not happy, or sad persay, nor do I need/want sympathy, just venting and processing through things...

I wonder what it would be like to be a normal, healthy 30 year old. To be able to get out of bed in the morning without having to psych yourself up mentally and physically. To be able to carry your child up and down the stairs without fear of falling, and without agonizing pain. To be able to dress and bathe your child without tears of pain rolling down your cheeks. To eat a normal breakfast and not have to count calories. I wonder what that would be like?

I wonder what it would be like to not have constant pain that no one can see or understand? I wonder what a day without physical pain is like? I wonder what I could get done without it? I wonder what I could do with my body/health/life if I didn't hurt all the time?

I wonder what it is like to be thin....not stick/anorexic thin, but healthy thin. (I think kate winslet here) I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't grown up heavy and I wonder what it's like not to be called tubo, fat a**, whale, made mooing sounds at, etc. I wonder what its like to walk into a normal store and know that you could find anything you wanted and it would fit you (you may not like it, but it could fit) I wonder what's it like not to have to shop at speciality stores. I wonder what its like to go on an airplane or amusement park ride and not be TERRIFIED that you won't fit. To not have to ask for a seat belt expander.

To have people see the REAL YOU and not the fat, pain filled you that you've become. I wonder what it's like to be able to do things...to have friends to hang out with, play dates, etc. I wonder what my life would be like if I was healthier, and not in constant pain. I wonder if this road to losing weight is taking me where I need/want/can go. I have high hopes that losing the weight will take the pain away a little....and I am frightened it won't. I wonder, just once, if anyone could possibly understand my life....and all I've been through.

BUT, then I wonder if the things I have/do/say/have had done to me make me who I am...the part of who I am that I like? The part of me that lets me be a mom and be home with my daughter (despite the pain and hardness of it). I wonder if being bullied/made fun of has made me more empathetic and compassionate. I wonder if being dissed and ditched has made me a better friend. And if going without has led me to serve others anyway I can. I wonder...

Monday, January 30, 2012

Weigh in week 4

I started this get fit challenge on top of weight watchers on Jan 2nd. I have lost a total of 5.2 lbs this month. And a full inch off my hips and a full inch off my waist. I know it seems small, but I feel good about it. I probably could have lost a little more, been a little more strict, but I feel like 1 lb/week is pretty decent and doable which is most important. And I am thrilled about the inches. I also decreased my BMI by .8. Not a lot, but its moving down too. I also lost a full pants size this month. So the changes are coming...slow but sure.


Hope everyone is well

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The unavoidable gain

Well weigh in was yesterday, and as I thought I gained...BUT only 1/2 a lb. I feel like a broken record (but I type it/say it so Ill believe it) But considering I was up almost 5 lbs ill take a 1/2 lb gain. Am I happy? NO! But so far this week I am 100% on plan and feeling pretty good (other than lack of sleep and sore) The eating is going well and I feel back on track. So as one other blogger has said "Im not going to dwell because I can't change it now".

New week...next week Ill have a loss to report for sure!!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Why is it so hard?

Sometimes I just wish things were easy. I know, I know... I wouldn't learn, grow, be me, etc. I know this. But still can't something just be easy. I mean it's easy to gain weight (as evidenced by my almost 5 lb weight gain over the 4 days I was stranded in Wendover with only restaurant food to eat) Yeah...that's like 1 full lb a day! Why? It takes me 2-3 weeks to LOSE that SAME AMOUNT! GRRRRR! Sometimes I just get so frustrated.

I look around and see the success stories, but I also look around and see SO many that aren't...and I don't mean those who gained back 10 lbs or those who gained a little back but are losing it again. I mean the people who lost 50-100 lbs and gained it all back and are just content to have gained it back. Or people like my mom who have had not 1 but 2 gastric bypass type surgeries and is still overweight, maybe even obese according to BMI. or the people from the biggest loser who have gained it all back, or most of it. I know a lot don't...but sometimes its just hard.

I know I am just in a funk. I am not 100% sure why. I guess because I held onto this hope that as I lost weight my health would improve overnight (easy). But it hasn't(hard) I still have diabetes and still take pills and insulin. I still hurt daily from fibromyalgia and have a hard time doing things that most people find normal (showering, dressing, cleaning, cooking, playing with my daughter) I feel SO much guilt and self hate that I can't magically and easily fix this. I am in a funk of "what's the point" and I know the answers, I really do. But for today its hard and for today I am acknowledging it is hard. But that's all...I am back on the wagon. I am moving forward and even if it takes me 2-3 weeks to lose that almost 5 lbs I WILL LOSE IT and more. I know I can do it, but somehow writing how I "feel" helps.

hope everyone else is doing better.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Goal #1 down...and getting back on track, yes again.

Monday was my weigh in and since I adjusted my goals to reflect the new weigh in day...I was supposed to weigh in at 286.6 or less (for a total of 35 lbs lost) Well I weighed in at 285.8. So, i made my goal.

BUT, then hubby and I decided to do an overnight trip to wendover...we had free food and free room, no biggie right? Well, our started on our car died while we were there...so I ended up having to eat out sunday, monday and tuesday and didn't get home until tuesday night, and spent over 400 to fix the car. Sigh. Now I am having trouble refocusing and getting back on track. Its amazing how fast eating out can affect your weight. I am sure I have gained. And it makes me depressed. Plus I hurt so I just want to veg and eat. I know this gets me no where, so I am trying very very hard to pull myself up and get back on track. Wish me luck

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Who does that?

Today I was finally feeling a teeny tiny bit less sore since hurting my shoulder, so I ran a couple errands. I forgot to bring snacks. I brought water, but was SO hungry by the time I was in the middle of my errands not to mention an almost 16 month old starving too. So I decided to grab a subway salad on my way home. (good choice right?) well sara can't really eat that and she was having a MAJOR melt down. So I drove across the street and bought her chik-fil-a nuggets. I bought 8. Who in their rational mind thinks a 16 month old can eat 8 nuggets? Yeah...needless to say I ended up eating 4 of them, 2 1/2 are still in the box and her high chair. I mean it wasnt the end of the world to eat them, and I didn't eat them all...but man it was a slip up. The smell was intoxicating. But I learned my lesson. Make sure I have stuff to snack on in my car...ie: granola bars, almonds, etc.

Monday, January 9, 2012

first weigh in of 12 week challenge

I lost 2 lbs (actually it was 2.6, but only get credit for 2 lbs) MY first goal of the year is to be down a total of 35 lbs by Thursday (which were made when I was weighing in on Thursdays) so I tweaked it to be Mondays instead. Since I am down 34.8 so far I can easily hit the 35 by next monday. And hopefully start full swing on my way to losing 50lbs.

I am super sore. Tearing ligaments and tendons in your shoulder HURTS! I made my hubby pull out the WII fit board from storage because I can still step and do some of the wii fit stuff with my arm, but Im going to skip aqua aerobics this week to heal a little then get back in it next week.

Have a healthy week all!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Just keep swimming

Weigh in day today (the last thursday it will be thursday, from here on out it will be mondays (at least for 12 weeks) down 1.6 lbs. So dropped the .8 I gained and then a little. Ill take it. I haven't had any treats/sugar since Sunday and actually feel good. And I am not craving it like usual. MY guess is that once I eat sugar I want it...and if I don't eat it I am ok with out it.

I did aqua aerobics last night and then went back this morning. I am in love! It doesn't hurt. Its actually pretty fun, and suprisingly I like being the "young one" and I love the older crowd. They are pretty fun! I don't feel sore. But I can feel my muscles and know I got a work out in. Both classes have been a full hour, and I have NEVER EVER exercised in any way, shape or form for a full hour, so I am feeling pretty proud. :)

Hope everyone has a great week!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Get Fit Challenge

So as of yesterday I am "officially" back on track. I joined a get fit challenge to help me along too. Its 12 weeks and you get points each day for doing things healthy (ie: not eating after 9, no sweets, 48 oz of water, 5 fruits and vegetables, work out 5 days a week for 30 minutes, etc) Most of them are pretty easy for me, but there are 3 that are SUPER hard and it will be interesting to see how I do. 1. no sweets. (you can have 1 treat a day and still get points, but only half pts, and you do get 1 day you can "cheat") but I CRAVE sweets. Mainly if I eat sweets I want more. But its so hard just to not eat them...especially when my nephew and brother in law eat them all the time, or want to. 2. exercise 30 minutes 5 days a week. For me its more motivation and pain. Im not super motivated to go do that because 99% of the time it just hurts. I went to the gym yesterday with the intent to swim, but the pool was full so I rode a bike for 9 miles...which is a lot for me. But my back is in AGONY today. Not like a "oh i worked out and am sore" kind of pain but the "I may die, what did I do to myself pain". I know its fibromyalgia pain and I know that because i have it everyday, but when I do something too much it gets worse. SO today I am trying to decide if its worth trying something again or not. Sigh. Decisions decisions. and finally 3. 5 fruits and vegetables a day. This didn't sound so hard at first but man it is. Especially when theres very few fruits and vegetables I actually like. But yesterday and today I have done everything on the list. So we will see how it continues today and onward. I just gotta get this all worked out. The yo-yoing thing is NO fun.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Updated measurements

Today I took my waist and hip measurements, just to see where Ive come from (i haven't done that since I started this blog back in 2009) This is what it was in 2009:

Starting weight: 311 lbs (YIKES)
Neck measurement: 16'
Bust measurement: 47'
Waist measurement: 50'
hip measurement: 61'
arm measurement: 20'


Today: 289 lbs
neck measurement: 14 1/4'
Bust measurement:46'
waist measurement: 46'
hip measurement: 58'
arm measurement: 18'

So that's encouraging. the weight change isn't too different but the measurements are. Im in a competition that requires waist and hip measurements every month, so itll be interesting to see the changes more regularly.