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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Wonder What it's like...

So this post is not happy, or sad persay, nor do I need/want sympathy, just venting and processing through things...

I wonder what it would be like to be a normal, healthy 30 year old. To be able to get out of bed in the morning without having to psych yourself up mentally and physically. To be able to carry your child up and down the stairs without fear of falling, and without agonizing pain. To be able to dress and bathe your child without tears of pain rolling down your cheeks. To eat a normal breakfast and not have to count calories. I wonder what that would be like?

I wonder what it would be like to not have constant pain that no one can see or understand? I wonder what a day without physical pain is like? I wonder what I could get done without it? I wonder what I could do with my body/health/life if I didn't hurt all the time?

I wonder what it is like to be thin....not stick/anorexic thin, but healthy thin. (I think kate winslet here) I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't grown up heavy and I wonder what it's like not to be called tubo, fat a**, whale, made mooing sounds at, etc. I wonder what its like to walk into a normal store and know that you could find anything you wanted and it would fit you (you may not like it, but it could fit) I wonder what's it like not to have to shop at speciality stores. I wonder what its like to go on an airplane or amusement park ride and not be TERRIFIED that you won't fit. To not have to ask for a seat belt expander.

To have people see the REAL YOU and not the fat, pain filled you that you've become. I wonder what it's like to be able to do things...to have friends to hang out with, play dates, etc. I wonder what my life would be like if I was healthier, and not in constant pain. I wonder if this road to losing weight is taking me where I need/want/can go. I have high hopes that losing the weight will take the pain away a little....and I am frightened it won't. I wonder, just once, if anyone could possibly understand my life....and all I've been through.

BUT, then I wonder if the things I have/do/say/have had done to me make me who I am...the part of who I am that I like? The part of me that lets me be a mom and be home with my daughter (despite the pain and hardness of it). I wonder if being bullied/made fun of has made me more empathetic and compassionate. I wonder if being dissed and ditched has made me a better friend. And if going without has led me to serve others anyway I can. I wonder...

1 comments:

:: ashley :: said...

that was very well written, I feel like you write so much of the things I have felt before. I guarantee you are a better person going through what you have, and you are taking a great step in the right direction to improve your health. do it for the right reasons- for your daughter, for your husband, etc. we really do need to hang out soon! this week is crazy for us, but next week is wide open! what do you think?!