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Monday, February 27, 2012

weigh in and the weekend

Today's weigh in was less than ideal, but I am ok. I gained a pound. But that being said I lost 1 full inch off my waist and 1/2 an inch off my hips in the month of Feb. I knew i would probably gain as my hubby and i spent the weekend without our daughter at a fancy hotel and I just wanted to indulge and have fun. Plus its that time of the month...so all things considered it's ok. Next week will reflect better numbers.

I had a fantastic weekend! It was nice to not have to wake up or beg the hubby to wake up with our daughter and to leave her with someone I trusted. It was nice to go to dinner and not worry about food on the floor or spilt milk from a sippy cup. NOW, don't get me wrong, I LOVE AND ADORE MY DAUGHTER, but every now and then it's nice to just have me and the hubby time. It was heavenly.

i am back on track today and feeling good..except one thing. I went to the dr friday cause my stomach was hurting so bad I thought I would pass out. He said it was an intestional infection. Anyway, one of the tests he ran said I was SUPER dehydrated. SAY WHAT? How can I be super dehydrated when I am drinking tons and tons of water? I drink 8-12 8 oz glasses every day. Hmmm...any thoughts???

Thursday, February 23, 2012

blah, i may vomit

I need to confess. I just caved in and made cookies with my daughter and nephew....and man i way way over did it. i wasn't going to eat any, but hot fresh chocolate chip cookies i couldn't turn down. now i may be sick. i may have eaten a few (think 5...holy blah) that was a HUGE slip up. I think i am just discouraged. my shoulder isn't healing. i hurt, im tired. sara is sick again. so i gave in. back on the wagon now, but i had to confess to blogger land so i wouldn't go eat more. yeah, how does that make sense? i ate enough cookies to make me sick but i want more? ill never understand

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

What is beautiful?

This is something that I have wondered/questioned my whole life. But lately it's hit me harder. I attended a conference for our church recently and one of the speakers spoke on the topic "self worth vs self esteem" It really struck me because my entire life i have felt ugly. Not just when I was overweight, although that was most of my life. I remember even in kindergarden feeling 'ugly". Even then i compared myself to others. as i got older i did that more and more and felt uglier and uglier.

So to compensate for my "ugliness" i excelled in my grades. I cried if i got a "B". i was nice to everyone. I hoped if i was nice people wouldn't care if i was ugly and fat. Then I ate to hide the pain this brought. if i was asked where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do i always responded with "you decide. i dont care" And honestly I DID care sometimes, but i thought if i spoke up id lose people. they'd think "who is this person to have an opinion"

As I have been on this weight loss journey this time I am trying VERY hard to figure out how to never be here again. To address the emotional behind it. Does being fat/overweight/chubby/whatever you call it really make me ugly? Does it really make me "less" than my skinny counterparts. My whole life i have thought that answer was a very loud yes. but lately i dont think so.

I am kind and compassionate, not because i want people to like me, but because that's how i wish i had been treated in the past, and it makes me happy to be there for others. I write notes because i love getting mail and i hope just maybe a small note would make someone smile. I am loyal, and dependable. I have talents (EVEN if i dont always see them)

Am I beautiful and successful to the world? Probably not. Am I to my family? I think so. Am I to Heavenly Father? Heck yes! So the question is...do i care enough about the "world" to let them tell me i am a failure because i dont have a degree? that i am a failure because i am not rich? that i am a failure because i am not a size 2? until recently that answer was yes, yes i did care enough. But you know what? The people that matter think I am beautiful no matter how much I weigh or how much school I did. And at the end of my day those are the people that matter. So do I think I am beautiful? not yet. But I am SO much closer. It's a work in progress. But no matter where it takes me or what happens I know I am not as ugly as I once thought, and that my friends is a HUGE step forward. So here's to take steps forward everyday

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Ring

When Daren and I got married it was the happiest and hardest time in my life. There was A LOT going on. I missed my sister during the planning, but it was so exciting. I loved my fiancee, my ring, the dress, i loved it all. Well I never ever in my wildest nightmares thought there'd come a time when my wedding ring no longer fit, except maybe when I got pregnant.

Well that wasn't the case. It got tight not too long after we got married. I kept wearing it but every night had to take it off. Then when I got pregnant it wouldn't fit at all. It was SO tight I stopped wearing it altogether. I wasnt able to wear it after Sara was born either. It made me sad. I mean i KNOW its just a symbol. I know it didn't matter, but it made me super depressed and sad.

Well it fits! In fact its loose. I LOVE wearing my ring again. It more than most things marks my progress. :)

Life is good right now. I am 9 days NO SUGAR! YAY ME!

Monday, February 20, 2012

The weigh in 2/20/12

Today was weigh in day and I was nervous since last week saw a gain. Mostly I think I was nervous because I tracked RELIGIOUSLY, drank all my water (and more), and didn't eat any sugar (and oh boy there were temptations). But the scale was kind today. I lost 4.8 lbs this week. YAY! So that's a total of 42.8 lbs since September when I started this journey again.

So basically it showed me a few things: 1. I CAN stay motivated and keep a goal, if I work really really hard. Let me tell you thought....passing on ice cream, doughnuts, cookies and candy was SO HARD! i felt like I was missing out. I hated it. BUT, it has made a difference in the weight. I had more energy for a couple days, but then got a stupid migraine, don't know what that's about. 2. Water in take or lack thereof makes a huge difference too. That I can do. 3. Its good to tell people your plans for the week. Its a good thing to be accountable.

This week? Hmm...I think im going to stick to the water goal. Up my exercise (for my challenge this week Im supposed to do 60 minutes a day...not sure my body or mind can do that, but ill give it a go). and I think Ill stick to the no sweets thing, until Saturday (saturday the hubby and I are celebrating our anniversary, so i am going to have cheesecake that the hotel provides) Other than that wish me luck. here's hoping next week is just as good.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

An accomplishment

This is small and silly, but for me its HUGE, so I am writing about it. Today my sister and law and me were going to take the kiddos swimming at a local rec center. But last night both our kids started coughing, and having runny noses, so we canceled. Well we had told my 6 year old nephew about it and i knew he would be bummed if we didn't do something. SO, I told him if he finished all his chores he could go grocery shopping with me and get ice cream. Our local grocery store sells HUGE ice cream cones for .69 each. So off we went. He got a chocolate ice cream cone dipped in bubble gum (GAG) and I got Sara (my 17 month old) a plain vanilla cone. I told the guy it was for the baby and to only do a tiny bit. He didn't listen. Anyway, Sara ate about a total of a tablespoon of ice cream and then was totally done. What did I do with my MOST FAVORITE TREAT EVER?

I threw it away. Yes, I took the whole cone/cup (almost a full cup of ice cream) and tossed it out rather than eating it. So, this whole week I have had NO TREATS, NO SUGAR (except what's in drinks, juice, pepsi) So i am pretty proud of myself. Throwing away ice cream is huge for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE ice cream. So its a small step for some but a huge one for me.

Here's to hoping the scale shows my discipline this week cause I have also gotten ALL my water and then some. And I will finally get full pts on my get fit challenge for not eating sweets. YAHOO!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

clothing

As far back as I can remember I have always had to shop in the plus size specialty stores/section. usually the clothes you get to choose from are NOT cute, flattering or fun. And they are expensive. I mean when you weigh 300 lbs do you really want to wear a pink and polka dot shirt? Anyway, one thing I have been looking forward to as I lose weight (besides the obvious) is to buy some cute clothes.

The other day (for valentines day) I decided to try on some jeans I bought a while ago to wear when i lost weight. The fit. They buttoned and fit, but they are still tight. They still give me a muffin top. But they are a size 22 instead of a 26/28 like when I started. Not a HUGE difference, but still a few sizes down. Im also in 2x mostly. Not 3's. Again not a huge difference, but its going down.

Can't wait to be in the teen sizes and no "X" in my shirt size.

Heres to a cute new outfit~

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Valentine's day

Yesterday was such a lovely day. I am not a "fan" of valentine's day. I never have been. I have always thought "why do I need a day to tell my hubby/daughter/friends/family I love them? Shouldn't I tell them/show them everyday?" But needless to say we still usually do dinner or something. Yesterday we were lucky in that Daren didn't have to work at all. SO we spent the WHOLE day together, which was such a special treat.

I stuck to making sure I drank all my water and I still didn't have a single treat/sweet. I did go over calories/points and had a cheat day where I didn't count really. BUT, in my opinion it was absolutely worth it. I loved spending time with my hubby. We went to lunch with our daughter. I got roses. We gave each other cards. We went shopping (I had money for a couple new outfits/jeans/etc from Christmas and it had been burning a hole long enough - more on what I got tomorrow) then we went and saw the Vow with Rachel McAdam's and Channing Tatum...OMG! It was SO my kind of movie. Cheesy, predictable, romantic, tear jerking love story. I loved the idea behind the movie, and I found out its a true story..made me like it more. Then we did late night appetizers for half off. What a great day.

Today still getting my water in. Did my exercise, still just sticking to the Wii fit thanks to the shoulder, but i know i am at least still moving, so its a plus. and still no treats/sugar. (although, confession: I did drink Pepsi yesterday. GASP! I am addicted. that's my hardest thing while dieting. but I'm not counting that against me, as i can't give up both at the same time)

Also, here's a picture just for fun of me today. I don't see much difference in me, but i had a camera out and figured why not try.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Goals for this week, oh yeah and a weigh in

Today was weigh in day. I wasn't suprised with what I saw, but I sure was disappointed. I gained 1/2 lb. I am just struggling. This week I had 2 date nights with the hubby (WHICH NEVER EVER EVER happens), a baby shower for my best friend and her twins, and a family valentines day party. Food, food and more food. I just have no will power. Is that what that magic thing that lets people stop eating crap is called? hmm...maybe I can buy that on ebay?

Anyway...I reviewed my food and activity this week, and it all lacked. I didn't drink all my water, which I KNOW is a big contributor. Plus I ate A LOT of sugar (think cheese cake, peanut butter bars, etc). I also ate a lot of carbs (pasta, bread, etc). I didn't work out as hard or as much with my shoulder. Its just been a tough week. Well to be honest its been a tough couple weeks.

I am feeling really defeated today. I know I am not. I know I can do things different this week, but its frustrating. SO...


Goals this week. 1. NO TREATS! I have sugar free pudding and 100% fruit bars that I will have if i am desperate for sugar. THis should be something I do anyway with my diabetes, but I don't. I admit it, i am not perfect, in fact I am not even sure what that is. 2. make sure i drink at least 8 glasses of water EVERY SINGLE DAY! 3. get enough sleep.

Hopefully those small changes will show a couple pound loss on the scale. I am exactly 2 lbs away from 40 lbs lost. It'd be nice to hit that, then move on. This weigh loss thing is super hard. BUt I am going to do it. It will not win, not this time.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Orthopedic surgeons verdict...sort of

As some of you know, but for those that don't I am a clutz. Full on no denying it at all. Since my husband and I got married almost 3 years ago I have had 3 knee surgeries (2 miniscus tears and an ACL tear) I also had an emergency c-section. Not the best impression as newlyweds (luckily my hubby loves me anyway). Well on Jan. 6th I ran to Smith's grocery store to get some things on a case lot sale. I went alone while daren stayed home and watched a movie with one of our friends. When I was unloading our cart into the back of our 4-runner my cart started to roll towards a nice car next to me, so I lunged/reached to grab it. Well, in my haste to grab it I tripped over the trailer hitch sending the full 290 lbs of my body weight towards my already excelerating arm. I was hurt pretty bad, or at least felt like I was. I called daren sobbing hysterically. I was able to get up and drive home, but every bump made me bawl.

When I arrived home he insisted I go to the ER. I was sure nothing was broke, but I could something was wrong. The x-ray showed nothing broke, but did show arthritis. He said "you probably tore something and in 2 weeks you'll be good as new". Well, in 2 weeks I was in just as much pain as day one. I still couldn't life my shoulder/arm very high and it hurt constantly. So I went to my dr, who sent me to physical therapist. Now I have had enough physical therapy in my life to know it hurts a little to stretch things, but man this was bad. They couldn't get me stretched to where I needed to go because it hurt me so bad. So after 2 weeks of doing that I was sent back to the dr for an MRI. The MRI showed that I tore the tendon that connects my bicep to my shoulder. I was then sent to an orthopedic surgeon to discuss surgery.

I wanted to cry. ANOTHER surgery? REALLY? Anyway, yesterday was that visit and I Was very honest about trying to avoid surgery. The dr said that he is 99% sure Ill end up having surgery, but there were a few more things we could try first. SO I got a HUGE old shot of cortizone in my shoulder and am being sent back to physical therapy for the next 3 weeks. On March 5th Ill go back and get a decision. If things have improved at all they will continue with cortizone and physical therapy longer if there is still no improvement they will then schedule me for surgery. I was bummed, but I am still hopeful. But overall the pain and thought of it makes me sad and stressed, which makes me eat. Sigh.

I am praying for a maintain weigh in on Monday. If God is merciful I won't gain. But I admit I am struggling. I am 97% in my points range, but I am still eating crappy. I need more healthy real foods and less processed foods. Anyone want to cook for me?

Anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend! Keep moving on.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Weighing in...your thoughts welcome

So here's the debate...how often should you weigh in? do you weigh in everyday? every week? and which one counts as the "real weigh in?" I ask this because I have ALWAYS, my whole life been obsessed over my weight. MY mom was overweight, morbidly obese and my father was tall and super, super stick thin. So it was a topic of discussion my whole life. I remember being in kindergarden and being told I was "chubby" and then when I was about 12 I was told I couldn't make a certain outfit for 4-h sewing because "i was too big to pull it off". Anyway...back on topic. Because I have always been obsessed with weight I have always weighed myself more than what I consider normal (or what I think other people do= normal)

I suffered for years and years with a pretty bad eating disorder. I was hospitalized twice and did outpatient work at eating disorder centers for years and years. When I was really sick I would weigh 15-20 times a day. I was a freshman at BYU here in Provo, Utah and I was miserable. I was taking 18 credits, working 2 jobs, had a huge responsibility at church (relief society 1st counserlor for those who know or care), and never slept. I was friends with everyone, but never really did a lot with people..I was either working or studying so I was kind of alone a little. And I was the biggest girl on my entire floor, heck in my entire church at that time. (yes, I compared myself to ALL those girls and feel short each and every time) so anyway...I had already been hospitalized twice by this point and was "allowed" to go off to college with the understanding I was "healed". Well, all those things above combined to make me crazy. I bought a scale and weighed in every single chance I got. If it went up AT ALL each of those times I made myself throw up. (crazy i know) I got really sick. I was in and out of drs and hospitals. I was weak, i was moody...it was not a fun time for me.

(Disclaimer: I am now 99.9% healed from the eating disorder...I still have thoughts of binging and purging. And there is a constant voice in my head telling me to throw up, especially if I over eat. But I have learned to ignore it) Fastforward to meeting my hubby. He thought I was beautiful, well, at least once he realized he liked me. He has ALWAYS been supportive of me, and my struggles with weight. He knew about the eating disorder and all my past things. And we made a deal that I would only be able to diet if I weighed in just once a week. Now, he knows I have broke that rule before, but lately I want to break it daily. Our scale is in the bathroom (its my MIL's and since we live with them I don't have much control over where it is) and everytime I change my daughters diaper, go to the bathroom, shower, or brush my teeth I think about weighing in. Usually I can control it to just once a day, but it still feels obsessive and odd. Does that make sense?

SO, I am asking you...how often do you weigh in? Is it normal to want to/to weigh in everyday? Any suggestions. This all came on because this week I have been weighing everyday and its been discouraging see the numbers go up and then not move. Especially since I am on track. Who knows. Maybe monday will show different.

Thanks lovelys! Have a great day!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Checking in

Yesterday I tracked everything thing I ate and was under my weight watchers points for the day. It felt good to track everything again. Now I just gotta keep that up so I have accountability. :)

I have a pretty bad sinus infection so I have been rather lazy in general. On antibiotics, cough drops and the like trying to feel better. Drinking plenty of water. Hopefully I can make this week a great week.

This is super short. Just wanted to check in and have it noted that I am back on track and am tracking. Have a great day everyone

Monday, February 6, 2012

Weigh in and reflecting on January

The first weigh in of each month I record my weight for my ticker here on blogger (see right side) that happens to be today. Todays' weigh in I was down 1 lb, not as much as I had hoped but good considering January was rough and it was still a loss for the month. The month of January I lost 5 lbs. Its not much, and part of me is disappointed. BUT, then I remember that's 5 lbs that are gone, off, not coming back. Its a loss....so this month I refocus and make February even better.

I am recommitting to tracking everything. I kind of got slacked on recording my food in take for January...it just got boring/slow/too time consuming. And I think it made a difference. I know 1-2lbs a week is good, I just want more. I want to meet all my goals on weight loss this year. I want to reach an "overweight BMI" rather than obese and then onto "normal BMI" oh man what will that feel like? Hmm....wait and see cause it WILL happen.

Im off to make my little one some breakfast. Have a great Monday all and remember today is a new day

Friday, February 3, 2012

Another slump

I seriously am just in a slump. I blamed it on my mishap in wendover. But it's just sticking around. I think my whole life I have turned to food/junk when I was in pain (any pain) hence how i got up to over 300 lbs. And this past month I have been in constant pain, even more than normal. So I have turned to "my regular outlet". Mostly I have just been drinking my regular pepsi again. But this past week its been sweets and soda and just blah. I found out i have to go get an MRI on my shoulder, as the physical therapy hasn't helped at all and the physical therapist thinks it's going to need surgery. I hope not, but I DO know that it is constantly in pain. I can't even pick up my daughter without tears. Plus I have had a migraine for 5 days straight.

Habits are super hard to break. This one is the worst. I eat to stuff feelings...and I still do. I am not 100% sure how to break this habit. Except I know this time I keep getting back on track...it's like my tracks keep switching and i have to keep jumping back and forth and its not so fun or encouraging. Any tips?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

how do YOU do it?

So question for my numerous readers (read extreme sarcasm there...all 3-4 of you) I was wondering what's your tricks/tips for seeing yourself in a positive light? Do you see yourself in a positive light? I mean I "know" I'm a child of God and I have that faith, but feeling it and believing it are completely different from knowing it. I can't take a compliment, never could. I just don't see what they are saying. I try, but my usual response is "no" or "who are you talking about" and usually its completely without thinking...meaning I just say it and don't hardly hear what they say.

My whole life I have worked to be "enough". "smart enough," "good enough", "skinny enough"...and everytime (at least to me and the negative thoughts/voices) I always fail. If i got an A on a test it should have been an A+, if I got into AP classes it should have been 3. If I lost 10 lbs it should have been 50. So I'd give up. And say "even when I try my hardest I don't do what I am supposed to do." So I quit. Pretty much everything in my life I quit and run from. Im changing that...but its super hard. Especially when you feel like a "failure" at every turn.

Our church had a women's conference last weekend and one of the talks I listened to was "self-esteem verses self-worth" It opened my eyes a little to the idea that what the world views as "good/accomplished/successful" is temporary and far from what I actually want to be good/accomplished/successful at. The world says you're only good if you are skinny, pretty, have a degree, married, rich, etc. They look at things that are "important to society" and I admit...I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to have some of those. But then I think about what I DO have...a husband who loves me unconditionally, a daughter who makes every single day better, a family that loves and supports me, etc. I am pretty richly blessed, but its hard for me to accept that i deserve those things. Does that even make sense?

Since I can remember I have hated myself, most people who know me already know this, or find it out. I had a lot handed to me at an early age and I blamed myself for not being "enough" to stop it, change it or improve it. And year after year I gained weight and then would feel more hatred. I tried bulimia/anorexia for years, but I was never good enough to get thin, just really really sick. add to the hatred. I graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class and went to BYU, but I got super sick the end of my freshman year and had to quit...more hatred. It just kept building. I tried too hard to get people to like me and then was hurt when I was the "safe" friend not the fun lets hang out friend. As I lose weight I am trying hard to find out WHY I got so big and how NOT TO GO BACK. One way I got there was the hate...I just kept stuffing food in to quite the hateful thoughts in my head. I stuffed the pain down. Now I need to feel it and move forward.

So after that long rambling...back to my original question...how do you see yourself?