Wednesday, February 22, 2012

What is beautiful?

This is something that I have wondered/questioned my whole life. But lately it's hit me harder. I attended a conference for our church recently and one of the speakers spoke on the topic "self worth vs self esteem" It really struck me because my entire life i have felt ugly. Not just when I was overweight, although that was most of my life. I remember even in kindergarden feeling 'ugly". Even then i compared myself to others. as i got older i did that more and more and felt uglier and uglier.

So to compensate for my "ugliness" i excelled in my grades. I cried if i got a "B". i was nice to everyone. I hoped if i was nice people wouldn't care if i was ugly and fat. Then I ate to hide the pain this brought. if i was asked where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do i always responded with "you decide. i dont care" And honestly I DID care sometimes, but i thought if i spoke up id lose people. they'd think "who is this person to have an opinion"

As I have been on this weight loss journey this time I am trying VERY hard to figure out how to never be here again. To address the emotional behind it. Does being fat/overweight/chubby/whatever you call it really make me ugly? Does it really make me "less" than my skinny counterparts. My whole life i have thought that answer was a very loud yes. but lately i dont think so.

I am kind and compassionate, not because i want people to like me, but because that's how i wish i had been treated in the past, and it makes me happy to be there for others. I write notes because i love getting mail and i hope just maybe a small note would make someone smile. I am loyal, and dependable. I have talents (EVEN if i dont always see them)

Am I beautiful and successful to the world? Probably not. Am I to my family? I think so. Am I to Heavenly Father? Heck yes! So the question i care enough about the "world" to let them tell me i am a failure because i dont have a degree? that i am a failure because i am not rich? that i am a failure because i am not a size 2? until recently that answer was yes, yes i did care enough. But you know what? The people that matter think I am beautiful no matter how much I weigh or how much school I did. And at the end of my day those are the people that matter. So do I think I am beautiful? not yet. But I am SO much closer. It's a work in progress. But no matter where it takes me or what happens I know I am not as ugly as I once thought, and that my friends is a HUGE step forward. So here's to take steps forward everyday


Mina said...

This post is beautiful, and so are you. Hugs....

REBYRYAN said...

I love how you are looking for the positive in yourself. And BTW, I have always thought that you are VERY pretty (and I AM talking physical beauty here).